26 April

Where do I start when recounting today?

As I arrived at the hospital I got a call on my phone saying Max was very hungry (it was half an hour early for a feed). As I was almost there anyway, I started him feeding when I arrived. He took a whole bottle! (Actually only 80ml out of the 90, but the other 10 were kept aside to be added to medication.) He had also taken the same amount at 1am, but next to nothing at the 5am feed. So, very positive - the greatest amount he's ever suck fed.

Then, I was told that little Ronan, Max's buddy who was born 14 days before Max and so was the oldest boy in the unit, wasn't expected to last the morning. He had been taken off the ventilator and was with him mummy & daddy in a private room. I tried to take it well, but didn't really. I was taken to the coffee shop by the level 2 senior nurse and she fed me hot tea and carrot cake while we discussed the events.

I am so shaken. I really didn't realise Ronan was so sick, and his always-cheerful mum always made me hopeful. I am torn between horror and sadness for him, and them, and fear for Max. We were probably ready to say goodbye to Max a few months ago, when he was extremely sick, but not now. Not now.

When I got back, we were just in time for rounds (all good), then Max had a bath and his wound dressings removed. The wound site looks excellent, and with no stitches, hopefully the scarring will be minimal. His weight is also up, now at 3585g. After his 1pm feed (when he took 50ml by bottle), Max was a little uncomfortable. We sat for a while, and about 20 minutes after finishing his feed he had a big reflux then a bit of a vomit. He hasn't done that in ages, so I hope it's just a 'normal' vomit and not a habit to get into.

As I cleaned Max up, I got the news that Ronan had passed away. I went in to see him & his mum, and just didn't really know how to feel, or what to say. He fought really hard, and for so long. He just looked like he was asleep and safe in his mum's arms, as he always did.

It's very hard now; Max is the big boy of the unit and all hopes are on him. I found out today that one little boy (of a set of twins) died last week and his funeral is tomorrow. I had suspicions one or both of them weren't very good, but I haven't got to know their parents very well. I just feel very down, quite bleak, and need good things to happen soon.

I should say, though, one enormously good thing has happened this week - we received news of the safe arrival of little Melanie to our circle of friends. Her mum & dad (and big sister) live interstate, and we are so pleased to hear a good story!! Congratulations.